Why do I let it get to me?

For the most part I have a I can give a crap to what anyone else thinks attitude, but for some reason some people can get to me. Flyboy escluded this really bothers me. I don't know why it would matter to me what some people think of me. I know I am doing right by me and my family (meaning my husband and girls), but still from some people I get this feeling like I am being judged or they dislike me and it really bothers me. Oh well. This feeling seems to come and go and with my brother in the middle of getting a divorse from my sister-in-law who I have known since I was 7! it is getting worse. I love my sister-in-law but since the marriage went down hill about 4 years ago she has been distancing herself from me and I let her. I am done at being the only one working at a relationship, I have become very distant from a few of my brothers who I was close to because they stopped calling me so I did too. Flyboy talks to his brothers at least once a week and I wish I talked to my siblings more often. Aside from my little sis that I talk to at least once a day I wouldn't know what is going on in my family it is not uncommon for me to not talk to my parents for months on end, but yet I talk to Flyboys dad about once a week. I hope my girls keep in touch with me and we can be close but I guess time will tell. I hate that I don't have a family and that they just kinda disowned me when I left MI, they did the same to my brother who lives in New Hampshire but he is happy to be disowned, I guess I am unsettled to how I feel about it. I will get over it I always do but until then I am going to wonder why do I let some people get to me?

18 weeks

So yesterday I hit 18 weeks and I still cannot believe it. I have been feeling like crap this week and honestly it scares me. I am so afraid of having preeclampsia again. Also if I got it this early there really wouldn't be much to do except wait and see. I took my BP at Walmart the other day and it is was 120/90 so that is good as long as it stays there I am good. I really think I just did too much last week and it is catching up to me also family drama is getting to me. I don't understand how I can be over 1000 miles away and they all still get to me, grr. On another note the downstairs is completely painted and I got some more accomplished in the backyard so hopefully I can get a garden growing soon. So I spent yesterday doing nothing and it felt nice, recooping from being stupid on Wednesday and going to the zoo in the morning and doing 4 hours of yard work in the afternoon to coming in to clean up the house. I feel much better now aside from being awake in the middle of the night for no reason. Oh well I am off to bed now maybe I can fight myself back to sleep.

BELLSOUTH SUCKS

Okay I feel better already just typing that!! I have been without a phone for 5 days now and my cell phone leaves much to be desired so I have been cut off from the outside world. I did get my house in order and now Flyboy and I are trying to paint everything. I have done 1/2 the kitchen now I have lost my desire!! On V-day I took Supermom's kids for the day, I love the looks I get when I take all of them to the park. I know it looks funny to see 7 kids get out of one van, but now with my belly the looks I get with all the kids especially with 4 under 3 already! I love having the house full of kids it totally reminds me of growing up and i miss all my nieces and nephews I have 12 that live in Michigan it is so much fun when they are all together!

The rest of the week was boring aside from the phone call from Karen saying that she had a boy (they didn't find out) Wyatt Ray and he was 4 weeks early so he is in the NICU for a couple days. I am so happy for her but she was hoping to be late so she didn't have to take as much maternity leave. Oh well just the beginning of the lessons of having a new child will teach ya! I am so happy for her and her hubby she has been such a wonderful friend for so many years.

I better go Flyboy is getting annoyed to be the only one working, don't get me wrong I want all the green walls gone I am just being lazy!! Someone light a fire under my butt!

Bye bye DSL

I hated DSL from the second we got it last year, but now until we know how much are utilities are going to be and how much are budget is going to be tightened we are disconnecting the service and using AOL (gag, ick, falling to the ground dying) okay it is free since my dad pays for it and I just use his account, but still I hate 'em and I HATE dial up, but we wanted a house and I got knocked up and quit my job so we have to live on a tight budget! Somehow I am pretty sure I will cave and get some sort of high speed eventually once Flyboy leaves and we are making extra dough from his deployment, but I will save my almost $50 a month from Bellsouth I hate them almost as much as AOL, but I get the lifeline credit so I pay next to nothing to have a homeline and have no long distance since I use my cell for that. Now that I live next to a cell tower and actually get reception! :) Okay enough bitching about stupid internet, I am just never going to be on-line, oh no my house may actually return to being the germ free sanctuary it once was pre-internet junkie days. I swear I can spend 8 hours on the computer and 5 of it will be googling anything that jumps into my mind. I google cleaning supplies instead of getting off my arsh and just cleaning!
Well we started the back room today it has 2 coats of primer and already looks better! We ordered the flooring today that was a small fortune, but hopefully it looks really nice and eventually we will do the great room in the same wood floor. We wont get it until next week so we will do it next weekend. Then we want to do the kitchen, but right now the carpeting upstairs is okay and we should be able to make it last for one more year or so. I just hope we can make back the money on the flooring but I know that was a big thing we looked for when we looked at homes, this one was just so new we could look past the 7 year old carpeting! It will come together. I am just kinda sad doing the work knowing we don't plan on staying here more than 5 years. But it will be nice to enjoy something we did and chose instead of living in what the government feels is adequate!
I better go before Flyboy has a coronary about me not sitting down (we have our computer on the kitchen counter), yes I have that much counterspace I can make part of it a desk until we finish the back room!

They're gone

Is it really horrible of me to be so excited that my parents are gone!! I do like when they visit just the timing of this visit sucked, then I was in a pissy mood (so was Chubs) yesterday so we avoided each other until we had to get in the car to go to the airport which of course we got out the door late because Apple Juice and Chubs 'escaped' into the backyard and were covered in mud so we had to wash and change them before we left. So Flyboy was freaking out because I wasn't there the second he got off the damn plane, I am always late picking him up. Even from his 10 month deployment I was 20 min late (because of the kids), but he never lets me live it down!! God it had been 10 months what the hell does 20 min matter! Then we gave his friend a ride home I had never met the guy and I am sure he is scared of me because I just ranted the whole way to his house, oh well.
I officially am hating being pregnant, I never have enjoyed being pregnant except with Chubs she was one of those pregnancies that aside from not finding a comfy way to sleep and the heartburn I never realized I was preggo. I am not a person who LOVES to sleep like I cannot sleep in usually my body only allows me to sleep 6-7 hours, but I sleep hard for that time. I love to be up in the early hours around 5:30-6am and get some time before the kids or Flyboy are up. But when I am pregnant I sleep for about 3-4 hours at a time get up to pee and cannot get back to sleep until 6 and then have to get up at 7 to get everyone going, then I drag throughout the day. Then my hormones get the better of me and I am not a pleasant person to be around. I hate being around me let alone being around other people. So I become a hermit and I HATE being home, so all the way around it sucks. I have 25 weeks to go and I am already done, I am hoping it gets better soon! It is just now 4 am and I have been up since 2:30 and I am not the least bit tired and all I can think of is that Flyboy is not going to get up with the kids so in 3 hours I will be up with everyone and it makes me mad!! He just had a week of hell and deserves to sleep in, but it still pisses me off.
Maybe after I find out the gender of this munchkin and can buy something for the baby it will feel more real. I think more of my problem is that I am still accepting the fact that I am pregnant. It is just so hard, Chubs has learned the word baby so she walks around saying "I, baby" and it breaks my heart that she will not be the baby soon. It just seems unfair, oh well it will all work out.
I should pretend to lay back down and act like it may bring sleep!

Happy Groundhog day!!

It's icky so no shadow seeing today at least here in Florida I guess in PA he saw his shadow so 6 more weeks of a mild winter!
I usually love icky days, but today all I want to do is crawl back in bed but with heartburn I have it would be pointless! I should hear Flyboys voice tonight and my day should get better. I even ruined my girls day because I took so long to get my butt out of bed they were both late to school, when they were up and ready on time. My dad was up but didn't know where Apple Juices school was so instead of asking me he just let me lay in bed until the girls were late! GRRR... I am so done with my parents Saturday is not coming soon enough. Then after getting the girls off to school I ran to Wal-mart to look for a dress than my sis wants Apple Juice to wear as her flower girl. First off I have Chubs with me because my mom was still in bed and my dad didn't volunteer to watch her so I took her with. Well Chubs hates shopping so the trip is already horrible then I cannot find this dress (go fig my sis found it in Michigan!). All the dresses I see at Walmart are not anything I would buy for my girls to wear to a wedding let alone to stand up in one! I tell my sis this and she kinda gets upset with me, sorry I would rather get a dress from the Place or somewhere online and spend the extra $15 more than walmart for a nice dress, but she is having a not quite 2 year old be the other flowergirl and her mom doesn't want to spend the money, but this same woman (the mom) wants me to spent $70 on a maternity dress to match her bridesmaid dress. Originally my sis wanted chubs and this other baby and I told her she was on crack to have 2 kids under 2 even attempt to walk down an aisle. So our dilemma is finding matching dresses in a 2T and a 5/6.
My mom is driving me up the wall and back usually she has her daily fights with Crazy (my older sis, not the one getting married) so I guess she is making up for it with me. She is finding the dumbest things to bate me with and being preggo and slightly depressed I am falling for it everytime. Then I just get mad at myself I have been going through this for years with her. She is a bi-polar alcoholic and refuses help and it drives me insane, oh and she is ALWAYS right. All she can talk about is coming back out in July, honestly I don't know if I can put up with her for a month. I know I will need help but I just don't want hers I guess, plus my kids don't like her in a whole weeks time Chubs won't even sit next to her on the couch but will crawl into my dad's lap and give him hugs and kisses. My mom was alright when she came to San Diego when Chubs was born but one of my bros came also and Flyboy was there and had just got back so I was on cloud 9. I honestly think we will kill each other being together for a month with no one here. Honestly I don't know anyone else and most all my friends here have their own kids so I would feel awful putting my 3 kiddoes onto someone else for the couple days I would be in the hospital. I suppose I will grin and bear it.
I have to officially put these jeans up after today, finally at 15 weeks I am outgrowing my smallest of all my jeans, I cannot believe I made it this long! I am still fine in most all the others, this shirt keeps popping up showing my budda belly it is still smaller than Chubs, but I know not for long! I am just waiting for damn radiology to contact me so I can schedule my Ultrasound I am really curious to know only so I can paint the pink flowers in Chubs room she has yellow walls right now and I won't make it girlier until I know for sure even though I am 99% sure already!